I sat in our doctor’s surgery today, 4 year old son next to me, fourth time we’ve been there to get rocks out of his ears. Up until this afternoon, the worst I have felt as a Mum in this whole chapter was last week. After spending an entire Sunday morning at the hospital waiting to get rocks out of ears, I swallowed my feelings of shame to get on with the day and go to our church baptisms. Only for our son to fall in the pool, begin to drown and get rescued by neither me or my husband.
Worst. Mum. Ever.
We drove home and all I wanted was to be swallowed by the earth….or hide under a big fat rock. That was until today…sitting at the Doctors…to be told I can’t keep bringing him back and I need to stop him doing it. Well, hello Mr. Doctor, what do you think I’ve been doing all this time. What exactly do you want me to do? Lock him in his bedroom for the rest of his childhood? Tie myself to his arm so he never leaves my sight? Because that’s very practical with two other children and a business. Move to a concrete cell? Wrap his face in plaster? Spend the rest of my life outside picking up the 300 trillion rocks laying outside? I’m pretty sure I was so stunned, I just sat there in silence, blushing, listening to him scald me, and wishing with my whole, deflated heart that I could be a stuffed minion in a glass box being picked up by those metal claws and taken far, far away.
They know us at the hospital now.
They even talk about it…I found that out after I got scalded at the doctor today. “Oh I heard that he did it last week too and you went to the hospital.”
But it’s the same at the hospital. If they don’t remember him for the rocks when we walk in, it’s for the mince that was up his nose last year.
And I have to be honest, I’ve allowed the whole experience to take a hit on my Mummy heart, because in my mind the whole town of Forbes by now thinks that I am a terrible Mum and I have no control over our son. Until I googled. You do that when you need to know you’re not alone in the whole saga. Because as a Mum nothing encourages and comforts you more than hearing that other people have shared in your same unfortunate predicaments. Turns out there are endless stories of kids stuffing things up all sorts of bodily holes. Popcorn kernels, beads, crayons, veggies, bullets, and of course rocks. There’s even a youtube video on how to remove them, a wiki how instructional, and images…there is always images. (Thank you Mr. Google. – uniting Mothers all around the world through mutual ear rock infestations).
To be honest, I didn’t even want to speak or think of this again. Let alone write a blog about it…I was firm weeks ago that I was never writing about this. I remember blurting out something about never doing it again and never speaking of it again to our son as we were driving away from the doctor, and then bursting out in tears. Because there has been this overwhelming lie rolling through my head for the last little while that I suck. That I shouldn’t even be a Mum and that if I have to take our boy back to the hospital for anything, they’re going to call docs. (dramatic, I know) Some days I don’t even realize I’m believing that about myself…until it’s time to go out in public and I scrape up every ounce of Mum courage I can find, put on a brave stance and awkwardly socialize as best I can with the lie swirling around that everyone thinks I suck and my Mum licence should never have been issued. I’ve been so afraid of other’s opinions or thoughts on what we should be doing different as parents or not doing that I was terrified to be seen or heard, and afraid of being me. And I know I’m not the only one who’s thought that. So here I am blurting this out, staring down the terror of being judged more, because I know I’m not the only one out there who has had the same insecurities and needs to know that despite the lies you believe and the judgements you may cop, you’ve got this.
Tonight I chose to redirect my thoughts to the truth of what really is. Because the fact is, that I can never allow what I think other people think about me – be it true or not – dictate how I see myself. Let the truth of who you really are sink into your heart for a moment, and then dwell on that instead of the fear and the lies.
I’ve never been so hard on myself since being a Mum. We are all too often our biggest critic aren’t we. Well, parent of child who puts stuff in their ears, or parent of child who has never…you are all bloody legends. Here’s to the parents of children who challenge the status quo, who smash your ego out of the park, who push the boundaries and who stretch you beyond belief. Here’s to the parents of children who are easy-going, who play nice, and stick to the limits. You’re all brilliant. You are all strong and capable. Even if you find yourself sitting in emergency next week with your child who has stuck a trombone up their rear…you. DO. NOT. SUCK.
You guys are rockin it 😀